The Best Yes!

Do you dread when people ask you to help with something at the kids’ school or at church or at work? Do you get an instant stomach ache just thinking about adding one more thing to your plate? I know I did! I am a people pleaser, I am a YES WOMAN!  I can do it all, or so I thought. I was slowly realizing that I was saying YES but I was dreading every moment of that yes from the time it left my lips to the day of the actual commitment. 

If you haven’t noticed yet from my other blog posts, I love to read! Reading for me brings everything full circle! So of course, I came across this book by Lysa Terkeurst (an author and woman I just love) called “The Best Yes, making wise decisions in the midst of endless demands”.  In The Best Yes she helps the reader cure the disease to please with a biblical understanding, she gives you the “ok” to say no and how you can escape the guilt and shame of disappointing others. She also helps you overcome the agony of making tough choices by giving you a wisdom-based decision-making approach, ultimately, she leads you to finding your Best yes!

 Even as a child I never wanted to disappoint anyone, my parents, grandparents, sisters, and teachers.  This whole idea followed me into motherhood, I couldn’t say no to anyone or anything and found that the only two people getting the No was the kids and me!  I was feeling overwhelmed by all my demands that I was no longer giving my best self to my family, to bible study, to our church or to my friends.  I was beginning to dread looking at the calendar to see what we had said yes to. 

I dove right into the book and soaked it all in!  I was reminded that biblically that we are to make our yes, a yes, a real yes and our no a no, a real no! God doesn’t want me to cave on commitments I have made to others or to myself. I was also reminded that we are to see Him first, seek His instruction and direction and not our own.  Was I truly spending time praying about these decisions that were filling our calendar or was I simply filling the calendar because it was open?  I continued to read Lysa’s book and began praying that the Lord would show me what was a good Yes for me and our family.  I was also reminded that God had given me the gift of time, how was I managing my time? At the time I was managing it poorly, I was overwhelmed, angry and resentful for having set up my time the way that I had.  So, I decided something had to change, I needed to be more intentional about our time, there must be a better way.

And there was! It was found in a simple word with two letters………NO! I prayed about this whole idea of saying No and God reminded me to think about situations as are the filling me up or draining me? If my cup was being filled or if our family cup was being filled it was a Yes!  If I left or my family left a commitment and we felt drained or let down, we began to say No. This was not something that came easy for me, as I professed earlier, I am a people please a Yes girl all the way. The first few No’s were harder for me than I had ever imagined, I was consumed with guilt about my decision but again I had to turn it over to Him. I had to trust that he gave me the wisdom that not committing was the very best decision for myself and the family.  As Lysa says in her book “Wisdom makes decisions today that will still be good tomorrow”.  Dr Sara would add that leaving space open for the right “yes” tells the universe that you are willing to wait and receive what you need and want”. One of my favorite sayings is “you get what you  settle for.” Not only will setting better boundaries give you your sanity back and feel like you are driving the bus in your life but it will open up more possibilities that will fill your soul. Being able to make those hard decisions that Jamie so eloquently has transitioned through, shows the unknown that she is ready to make even bigger decisions without hesitation. By leaning into God, she has shown she is ready and is goodness continues to show up.

The second component to this whole idea of the Best Yes was getting my husband, Mike involved.  We both needed to be on the same page about what filled our family and what drained us. I couldn’t say Yes to things that drained him and vis versa.  We also had to watch the kid’s reactions, what were they saying either on our car rides to or from the commitment, how did they act while we were there?  All these things told a story about our family and about what was fulfilling to us. This meant saying No to things that I loved doing and saying Yes to things that were good for all.  We had to have difficult conversations with family and friends letting them know that we would no longer be participating in something or hosting a certain holiday. These were not easy things to discuss at the time but when the date on the calendar rolled and we didn’t feel the pressure to host or the pressure to attend and instead we felt a huge relief staying home and creating our own family memories we knew we had made the right decision.  Just to add to the mix.. no one ever told me that making the right decision for myself felt awful sometimes! Giving yourself permission to not judge yourself even if others are unhappy with your decision is so liberating! If I let emotion dictate how I was feeling then I would have continued to do things that weren’t meant for me to do because I was afraid of change and all of the other self loathing things we say about ourselves. I like putting the shoe on the other foot as well- extend the same grace and courtesy to your friends and loved ones when they choose differently. Give them the encouragement and support that you didn’t receive when the roles were reversed. People don’t love people because they agree with them, people love people because they feel supported and encouraged. You might set a new relationship trend built on honesty and trust- go figure.

Lastly, I had to leave room in my life for the unrushed Yes and the impromptu Yes!As the calendar commitments of things that drained us began to leave, I was filled with immense relief!  We were free!! We were now able to feel good about the commitments that were still on there, that we were truly looking forward to!  We will always have those few things each month or each year that we truly don’t want to do but that we must, and we must fulfill those with the same joy and vigor that we fulfill our favorites.